Jul 19, 2013
neil

85 questions to ask before you marry

In marriage preparation at City Church we ask engaged couples to complete the following questionnaire on their expectations for married life. It’s one we adapted and added to from a questionnaire I did 20 years ago in my marriage prep. classes at St. Helen’s Bishopsgate.

Our approach is to ask the couples to complete the worksheet separately and then talk through their conclusions with each other. We don’t then go through the answers, question by question, with them in marriage prep. classes but we do ask them to talk through with us any areas of significant disagreement or uncertainty.

Expectations in marriage worksheet

  A. Spiritual life 

1. Where and when do you generally read your Bible and pray?  
2. Do you expect to have devotional times together? How often? 
3. How important is God in your life? How is this manifest? 
4. Are you growing as a Christian? In what ways do you envisage your spouse being able to help you grow? Be specific.

B. Daily living 

1. Are you a ‘morning’ or ‘evening’ person? What time do you like to go to bed in the evening and get up in the morning? 
2. How important are music, radio, TV, social media, surfing the internet and computer games to you? Do you think anything will need to change when you are married? 
3. If you were given £25,000 what would you do with it as a couple? 
4. From the list below, what jobs around the house do you expect to do, what might you share with your spouse and what do you expect your spouse mostly to do?

Mowing the lawn, Car maintenance (if relevant), Washing up
Cooking,  Cleaning the toilet, Food shopping
Ironing, Paying the bills, Wiring a plug,
Unblocking a drain, Sewing on a button, Changing the bedding
Doing the washing, Driving the car (if relevant), Taking the bins out

Husband will do:

Wife will mostly do:

We will share:

5. Do you expect to keep some secrets from your spouse? For example:

  • Earnings?
  • Savings?
  • Weight?
  • Private letters? 

6. In what areas do you expect to disagree most? For example:

  • Money?
  • In-laws?
  • Leisure?
  • Life-style? 

7. Is there anything you feel it will be difficult to discuss with your spouse? Are you willing to try? 

C. Social 

1. How would you like to celebrate your first wedding anniversary? What about your tenth? 
2. How do you view your (future) in-laws? How often will you visit them? How often will they visit you? 
3. What about your own parents? How often will you visit them? How often will they visit you? 
4. How often would you expect to speak to your parents and other close family? 
5. How do you think your relationship with your parents will change once you’re married? 
6. How might your parents and in-laws be cared for in old age? 
7. How do you view your future spouse’s friends? Will you encourage these friendships? 
8. How many evenings a week would you expect to be:

  • Out, with your spouse?
  • Out ,without your spouse?
  • In together, with friends?
  • Left at home alone?
  • In together, alone?
  • Out together, just the two of you? 

9. How important is time on your own to relax? Do you relax best in the company of others or in your own company? Do you think you will need time alone when you are at home or on holiday together? 

D. Christmas

1. How was Christmas for you growing up? 
2. What traditions did you have as a family that you would love to keep/prefer to lose? 
3. Do you look forward to the Christmas season? 
4. How would you like to spend your first Christmas together? 
5. How might you balance time spent with your respective families over the years?  

E. Children 

1. What makes you nervous or afraid at the prospect of having children? 
2. If you are able to have children, how many children would you like? How important would financial considerations feature in your thoughts? What other factors would apply? 
3. How long would you like to wait before trying for children? 
4. How would you respond if you became pregnant on honeymoon? 
5. What would be your top three priorities for your children? 
6. What is your view about infant baptism? 
7. Do you anticipate parenting in a similar manner to which you were brought up?  Why or why not? 
8. What sort of education would you want for them? 
9. How do you see your responsibility as regards ‘bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord’ (Ephesians 6v4)? How about your future spouse’s responsibility?  

F. Church 

1. What areas of church life do you currently serve in? 
2. Are there any responsibilities you should consider giving up once you are married?
3. What particular contributions to church life do you anticipate having as a married couple? 
4. In what particular ways do you want to serve God together?  Be specific. 
5. How do you want God to use your marriage and home?
6. What part will hospitality play?

G. Communication and Conflict 

1. Are you good at communicating “basic” information: diary planning, phone messages, short- and medium-term plans? If not, how will you improve? 
2. Are you good at the kind of communicating that builds and strengthens intimacy? Do you think you need to improve at making space for that in your relationship? 
3. Do you think your spouse does? How can you help? 
4. Do you find it easy to talk about things you are struggling with? How can your spouse help you? 
5. How good are you at “speaking the truth in love”, saying difficult things in a loving way? 
6. Are you willing for your spouse to be frank with you regarding any personal habits you have that they find unpleasant or simply unhelpful? How best might they address or initiate the subject? 
7. How do you respond to conflict?  Do you go quiet, sulk, become argumentative, become defensive? 
8. How do you anticipate resolving conflicts? 
9. Do you consider your future spouse to be good at communicating?  How could they improve? 
10. Do you consider yourself to be good at communicating?  How could you improve?

H. Recreation 

1. What do you enjoy doing in your leisure time? Is this something you plan to continue to do when married? Would you anticipate your spouse being involved in this? How? 
2. How often do you expect to have a holiday? What would you expect these to look like? 

I. Work 

1. What is your attitude towards work?  Do you find it difficult to stop working? Do you find it difficult to switch off after work? 
2. How important is having a career to you? What expectations or hopes do you have for your career? 
3. How would you respond to an expectation from an employer for you to work overtime, or increase your hours?  
4. How do you feel about the role of housewife and mother? As a mother, how soon would you consider returning to paid employment, if at all? As a father, how would you feel about your wife going back to work?

J. Money 

1. What standard of living have you been used to?
recently
in your childhood 
2. What expectations do you bring into marriage in relation to this? Do you expect a steadily rising standard of living? 
3. What debts do you have? 
4. What about savings and assets? 
5. What is your attitude towards money?  Do you generally save up before buying larger items, or do you buy these on credit and pay back? 
6. When you buy something, do you prefer to pay more for quality instead of pay a lower price? 
7. Do you budget carefully? 
8. Are you giving to the church in a disciplined manner? What will that look like when you are married? 
9. Will you have a joint account when you are married? 
10. Do you plan to save together? How much? What will these savings be for? 
11. Will you maintain a savings account, pension, life insurance? 
12. Who will be in charge of the money when you are married? Who will be responsible for paying different bills and how? 
13. Do you expect to talk about every purchase you make, set a threshold for this, or each be free to spend what you want? 
14. How much money do you think you ought to spend on holidays? 

 K. Home 

1. Do you expect to be living in Birmingham in 5 years? What about in 10? 
2. What are your priorities in choosing where to live? 
3. How important to you is where you live and what sort of house/flat you live in?

  • Now?
  • In 10 years?
  • At retirement? 

4. What sort of home would you expect in 5 years’ time? 
5. How important is it to you to be buying your own home? 
6. How much of a practical handyman/woman are you? Do you enjoy doing things around the home, for example: putting up shelves, mending things, decorating, making curtains, etc.? 
7. How tidy are you? How important is it for you to have a clean and tidy home? 

L. Marriage 

1. Try to write down in a sentence or two about why you want to get married and why to this person in particular? 
2. How do you hope being married to your spouse will benefit them? 
3. How do you hope being married to your spouse will benefit you? 
4. What could undermine these benefits? 
5. How often do you expect to have sex? 
6. Where would you turn to if you were having problems with the sexual relationship within your marriage? 
7. Do you think romance is important? How do you intend to be romantic towards your spouse? 
8. How will you keep God central in your marriage? How might you keep a check on that? 

Notes for discussion

1 Comment

  • I think this is great. I never went through pre-marriage counselling, but my wife and I are still together – praise God! I do think a structured approach to the pre-marriage time is helpful and these questions bring things into sharp relief!

    Last year I published a short book on marriage called “ONE FLESH – what Jesus teaches about love, relationships, marriage and a lot more …..”. Its freely available as an e-book on the Glory to Glory Publications website – just Google Glory to Glory Publications and go to free resources it if you want some helpful biblical insights.

    Blessings,
    Peter Sammons

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